I was chasing suns

03 December 2009 @ 10:47 pm

"Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

And now in my dreams,

I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the weight
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams "

-Brandi Carlile

CLCK

01 December 2009 @ 04:40 pm

tuesday.

I've been sleepin' most the time, today my baby's hoppin' another train to see me. We junked The Tank, and the idea/dream of that burrow in the city, it still feels kinda shitty- but I am no trend, nor is our love, man. So I won some fights, but I still feel a battle's awaiting. I cut down on smoking cigarettes, I feel a little stronger- not so outa breath. I picked up this shelf from the neighbors garbage, one mans trash is a lonely girls treasure, and its holding through the weather. Nah we haven't moved out on our own just yet, but we made that big escape, but the money's waiting and I can kind of taste it. I just hope the island starts treating us better, and I hope GOD keeps listening- even when we bicker.

ps

CLCK

24 November 2009 @ 05:40 pm

B R O O K L Y N we go hard.

I really did not enjoy the ride back home. I don't even want to think about it. Being awake for 30 hours is fucking ridiculous, I can't believe I use to do that shit on a daily basis. Speaking of, instead of my family congradulating me for being sober for like, 5 months, they call me fat. SCORE! I really DID enjoy coming back and seeing all the people I thought I lost, I missed everyone. Drinking at a practice studio with a giant is always a good time. I think. So I'm not goanna go on about how Harley is the best ever and muahmuah kissypoo i love you! No, I won't do that, but I will say I'm excited more and more every day knowing I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. Lucky us, suga man. We did good. We fought for love and it worked....on DECEMBER FIRST WE'LL HAVE OUR BEAUTIFUL BROOKLYN APARTMENT TO SHOW FOR IT. Not that even matters, I'm just fucking ecstatic that we're both about to live the happy life we've always deserved. And, roof access with sick BBQ's...get on our good list! haha...bitches. Anyway, here's our bedroom, look at that terrace! Happiness.

CLCK

14 November 2009 @ 11:36 am

(no subject)

Waiting for my package to come in the mail. This is too funny (especially the fact it says c3 in the url)

http://s31.photobucket.com/albums/c399/Likeanailbomb/

CLCK

13 November 2009 @ 05:18 pm

(no subject)

I want to be in New York so badly, or at least back on the road. I'm lacking inspiration, and quite frankly, I'm bored.

CLCK

11 November 2009 @ 05:11 pm

Love

Tennessee is looking fine today, I want to go hang out with the cows across the street, or get my feet wet down at the watering hole. My wrists hurt from yard work, but I guess 11.11 is just a day of peace and understanding. I can't wait to really start looking for our Brooklyn apartment, and I hope what we're thinking might happen, really does. Gods will suga.

1 | CLCK

10 November 2009 @ 11:21 pm

(no subject)

Tomorrow is 11.11. Oh boy.

Musak: Let Me Go On (Olaj's Let Me Go Off Mix) -Seabird

CLCK

01 November 2009 @ 06:03 pm

Tennessee

...we made it.

Next stop, Brooklyn.

2 | CLCK

24 October 2009 @ 01:41 am

(no subject)

I might just pass out on the floor
Pardon me, i've lost the time.

And every word that I'm saying, I'm hoping
Your heart will pound like mine
When I run drenched
Through the pissing rain
And out of breath
A mass, an energy.
I fall down at your doorstep
But as I go to try and tap it
You've already been waiting
Bright eyed and patient
To let back your
lover in.

So I sat at the end of your bed soaking wet
You spoke
Cautious and gentle, looking at me real close
I'd been derdobed
You've slid each item off, and I'm warm. His heat.
Yea, you wiped the damp from both eyes
and move down to my lips
and say "You are my sunshine"
Then our love went on
and on.
Oh, it went on.

It's been driving back, a ride to Brooklyn-that has one thought of mine
in mind.
I was smiling high, closing my eyes, flickers- city lights
Scenes, and in my dreams I can't deny, you are
always mine.

Then and again, some static struck, can't very well see the date
but in some time from now I know
because I see far
I'll be yours.
Then and again.
Oh,
I'd be yours.

CLCK

23 October 2009 @ 02:35 am

(no subject)

Moving in his sleep, naturally.
My eyes are ears have been burning for hours, I'm sober and scared-
with dilated pupils.
and senses like a scared cat. I thought of you but not before,
future pictures like visions and-
I already...
It's summertime and I see how you'll need me, all over again.
and completely brand new.
I already miss you.
I already love you.
You taught me so.

CLCK

22 October 2009 @ 05:24 pm

Brooklyn Brooklyn, take me in.

So much of me wants to scream "Fuck the 28th, fuck this demonstration, fuck Breaking Measures, I give up." It use to be so easy for me to just...give up, concerning anything in my life. All I ever did was give up. Forgiveness, humility, and love changed that for me, I can't give up on this no matter how hard I try, I can't rationalize NOT being rational. So I'm exactly where I've always wanted and needed to be, right? In the grand scheme of thing, abso-fucking-lutely. But I realized why I've been lonely these past 8 or 9 months, no matter who I'm with, no matter how happy Harley and I are, etc. I'm lonely because I gave up the battle, I got out of my own way, I let go...and I fought for love. I've been fighting for love for almost a year now. And every single person I meet or know seems to still carry that burden of feeling they need to fight for just the opposite. You don't see what we've done to the world, you don't know how much fucking easier it is to be prideful, to hold grudges, to feel you hold power over your life and others. It's SO fucking easy. Fighting for love isn't. I've denied myself of pretty much everything for the majority of my life. But now I know more than ever I'm a good person, one damn good person and no matter who or what says otherwise, I still know I am, but in and with God. I don't see myself any better or any less, but I do see that my heart, so entirely open...has become my burden. So I do get bitter and angry but it's so fleeting and all I can do is cry, watching what we do to each other, what we "stand for" and fucking, whatever. fuck. My stomach hurts so much, and I don't know where to go from here. I'm getting so damn tired.

Jessi, I adore you so much. You make that lonely feeling...not as bad. Sending a simple song and video really changed my entire day.

It's the little things, really... little things, of love...thank you.

CLCK

22 October 2009 @ 12:17 pm

(no subject)

"Measure me in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes to get from here to there
My ribs that show through t-shirts
And these shoes I got for free
I'm unconsoled
I'm lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
Terrified of telephones
And shopping malls and knives
Drowning in the pools of other lives
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay
Circumnavigate this body
Of wonder and uncertainty
Armed with every precious failure
And amature cartography
I'm breathing deep before
I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it feels okay
And I'm leaving with goodbye
And I'm losing but I'll try
With the last ways left
To remember sing
My imperfect offering"
-The Weakerthans*

2 | CLCK

22 October 2009 @ 01:30 am

(no subject)

Everyday gets more difficult, only proving fighting to get to the 28th is really going to be worth the blood, and life changing.

"Tape holds things that cannot stick
and keep leftovers in the fridge
while lessons learned go down the drain
I can't believe in everything
All the bad names gone
And the good ones were all wrong

And so I stayed up all night
Slept in all day
This is my sound
Thinking about tomorrow won't change how
I feel today

Never let your mark erase
'cause broken legs can be replaced
two steps to the finish line
three sips till I finish mine
a straw will always suck it out
close your eyes and use your mouth
And tell me about your song

And so I stayed up night
Slept in all day
This is my sound
Thinking about tomorrow won't change how
I feel today"
-Matt and Kim

CLCK

14 October 2009 @ 03:23 am

(no subject)

I still haven't heard from the little boy with the cap. I couldn't get his number from the message he left, singing, the last line being "callll backkk." I worry. I've been focused on the bruises on my wrists and the police report, but he's only just a small boy and he was crying out for help. Next Tuesday I'll wait at the Laundromat, and hope.

The best decision I've ever made was sitting on the back of The Tank a few nights ago, in a ripped up sweater, in a bit of pain.

"You'd just have to sign a few papers and she'd be in jail tonight."
"No, no I just want to be happy."
"Very well then."

I keep having this vision, all the rarities in my life and I are running around city streets, Brooklyn, and from bridges and cars and bicycles and whatever else, we're throwing millions of pieces of paper into the wind with three simple words in black printed in the middle, "Fight For Love." We're all in black zip-up hoodies.

Revolution.

"Rarities" well, it's become a crucial part of my life. I'm making the list of names of those with shameless faces of love without regret. There will be an event.

Scattered thoughts. Instant coffee.

CLCK

09 October 2009 @ 10:24 am

(no subject)

Chat History

Yesterday

11:47pm

Paige

you arent content..not fully, indifferent, lonely

staying productive

no?

11:48pm

Salvatore

What do you mean?

I'm never content.

Always lonely.

And always staying productive.

11:49pm

Paige

i am

well

empathetic. spiritual hypersensativity

i saw your photo

i guess a staues post

and i felt

what you feel

and i dont know you

11:50pm

Salvatore

well, for your sake, I'm sorry to drag you into my heartache.

11:51pm

Paige

no listen

when i feel things like this

i know youre worth a lot

all brilliance and open minds suffer

11:52pm

Salvatore

An unfortunate, but beautiful truth.

11:52pm

Paige

what makes you lonely..do you feel unworthy?

11:52pm

Salvatore

No. Just never connected.

11:53pm

Paige

rarities? yea. people start to bore me.

and i seem

to just go on

and on

and i cant explain it

11:54pm

Salvatore

I have wonderfull friends, that I really do feel close to.
But I feel like theres that loving romanticism that is just missing from my life, and always has been.

And try as I might, and as beautiful as some of you women are.

I always feel alone.

11:55pm

Paige

you have to realize i am not coming on to you at all,
im sorry if i came off creepy. i am so full of love and i want to save the world

11:55pm

Salvatore

Not percieved that way.

No worries.

It doesn't mean I won't pour my lonely heart out, stranger.

My apoligies.

11:56pm

Paige

You put a guard up a bit. And that will change over time,
but for know, you can tell me anything

I want to help you, lonliness burns

but the fire in your heart is so much more, sweetheart

11:58pm

Salvatore

Thank you, stranger. There's a lot of light in you.
It's trapped inside and held too tight, and it seems your bones
get too sore of bearing the weight.

It's nice to know there's another.

11:59pm

Paige

Dreamers exist, but hidden, keep searching and crawling in the tiny places

Today

12:00am

Paige

Warmth.

when I saw you at the hookah

i saw how you wanted roxannes attention

for her to see you like you saw her

and i knew how sad, maybe anger you were

without any indication

12:01am

Salvatore

Never anger. Always sadness.

12:01am

Paige

thats abosolutely beautiful

do you realize that

12:02am

Salvatore

What is?

12:02am

Paige

anger

is

well

it can evolve into things worse than pride

do the math ya know?

well your sad

...wow

you dont..blame..at all..do you? just yourself

12:03am

Salvatore

Always myself.

That which I can control deserves the head of guild.

guilt*

12:04am

Paige

meaning you hurt yourself because you truly believe there's no one to blame..but you

12:05am

Salvatore

Yes mam.

12:06am

Paige

well

ill share something with you

so you dont feel so alone

do u have aim

12:07am

Salvatore

Yeah, one sec.

12:08am

Salvatore

What's yours?

(sorry if that sent three times, my internet is going crazy)

12:08am

Paige

lefilmno1r

CLCK

08 October 2009 @ 09:37 pm

(no subject)

I met a 6 year old boy with a cap, (Joseph).. timid at first- The laundromat.
I went over, his little sister, "Oh she's so beautiful, can I say hello?" Loving children.
And later I had told the little boy with the cap I haven't seen my brothers and sisters in 5 years.
He reminded me of..the way my youngest sibling Aiden looks now.
Chole was crying but I made her grab one finger on each of my hands with her tiny paws.
And made her little arms dance, and she looked at me like I was...well I can't explain it
But my heart sank, she smiled so bright, and I thought of my old friend I got close to in 5th grade
Not in love with her two month old baby now at 19, and what a shame, in so many ways.
So I asked Joseph about himself, and he opened up a bit.
Because I was showing him the attention he deserves but, well his Mother was 23 with a tongue ring.
He had a stutter with a scattered mind and freckles about his nose and cheeks.
He followed me to the empty play room, now barren, feeling...I don't remember.
Remember when we had the world at our fingertips, sitting in that little childs shlter,
but we were wasted, just happy, alive really. And I don't miss you now, I enjoy remembering who you were.
Before you shut your door.

He came in after realizing I had wandered off.
I've never felt that way, with his voice so obviously lonely, thanking me...for being his friend.
I asked about his Dad, feeling he must be sad, cause she had a tongue ring and frizzy Blonde hair...
Looking stoned and uninterested in the boy with the cap. He spoke.

"They fight a lot."
I tried to ask more but I think he was too focused on the fact someone wanted to hear him speak
Honestly...even through the stutter.
So I gave her my number after asking if she needed a baby sitter.

She took the number down.

Just a few minutes ago I realized they had already called...But not to make plans.
It was Joseph singing, and I haven't figured out the words yet, but I will.
And I'll do anything to make him happy.

Why?
Well I don't know exactly.
But my impulsive gut feelings,
are usually right.
I hope he fell asleep tonight.

1 | CLCK

01 October 2009 @ 05:37 pm

Day and Night

My nightmares are getting unbearable.

Nothing could make this seasons arrival hurt less, two extra strengths and still my head is pounding. The weight of every memory breaks my stance immediately. All my senses are dulled, and I get so lost in what was that I can't feel the cold. I can't help but feel guilty for letting this overwhelm me, I hate admitting how weak I am over everything that is long dead. All the strength I've obtained in acceptance fades out, and I feel unsafe, I catch myself before I actually begin to chase them. As if the weather wears me down and I'm tired of fighting this, restraining myself, already knee deep in the scent of failing repetition, get it out of your head...this is not safety. What sounds are real and which matter? No, I won't be childish and sink into the thought that I'm too far gone, I don't give myself the credit I deserve- well after so long...maybe it's because everyone else refuses to, still to blame. I fear each winter I grow even more apathetic...I can't get out of my own damn way. At least I still know this is something I should start praying about. No, I haven't lost sight of Him just yet. That must mean something.

-Paige

CLCK

27 September 2009 @ 03:27 pm

Who knows

"If it all came down tonight.
Safe from the losing fight.
Just know I only want to hear you say.
Hallelujah, hallelujah.
He's alive in me today."

CLCK

30 July 2009 @ 10:03 am

This beat is sick

Watching Lady Gaga's music video "LoveGame" must be one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. You need to Youtube that insanity - full screen. At the same time, It's hard to look away. Fuck you Alicia, I hate this weird shit you make me watch.

Last night, along with today, has been like...well I'm waiting to wake up, seriously. I mean like, I don't even know...just forget it shut up.

Oh so I'm getting a book published. I wrote it. Ya know, has a decent amount of words, chapters, all that shit.

This entry has been really deep, my mom tells me I'm an old soul, really she does!

And before I forget, I felt God today. That hasn't happened in MADDDDDD BRO. I felt like I was being ripped in half. Sorry for repressing the very idea of you Big guy.

Gotta run, business call.

CLCK

30 July 2009 @ 09:17 am

What the hell

Whoa.

CLCK

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